1 00:00:13,319 --> 00:00:17,158 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys! 2 00:00:17,159 --> 00:00:20,278 ♪ She's Mrs Brown 3 00:00:20,279 --> 00:00:23,078 ♪ That's Mrs Brown 4 00:00:23,079 --> 00:00:25,759 ♪ Our Mrs Brown. ♪ 5 00:00:28,239 --> 00:00:32,078 "For sale, set of encyclopedias. 6 00:00:32,079 --> 00:00:36,079 "No longer needed as I married a man who knows every feckin' thing." 7 00:00:38,999 --> 00:00:42,078 Hello, Winnie! Cup of tea? 8 00:00:42,517 --> 00:00:44,516 No, I'm grand, love. 9 00:00:44,517 --> 00:00:47,675 What's wrong with you? It's Sharon. She's depressed. 10 00:00:47,676 --> 00:00:50,377 With all the boyfriends she has, she has no date for Valentine's Day. 11 00:00:50,451 --> 00:00:51,529 Ah. 12 00:00:51,530 --> 00:00:54,929 They're probably all going out with their wives! 13 00:00:54,930 --> 00:00:57,448 Agnes, what do you do when you're blue? 14 00:00:57,449 --> 00:00:59,050 I start breathing again. 15 00:01:01,250 --> 00:01:03,168 Are you sure you don't want a cuppa? 16 00:01:03,169 --> 00:01:05,970 No. I'm heading down the shops to get a Valentine's Day card. 17 00:01:06,107 --> 00:01:07,145 For who? 18 00:01:07,146 --> 00:01:09,585 For Jacko, of course! 19 00:01:09,586 --> 00:01:11,626 Do you want anything while I'm down there? 20 00:01:11,627 --> 00:01:13,825 No, Valentine's Day, my arse! 21 00:01:13,826 --> 00:01:17,144 Redser asked me one year what I'd like getting for Valentine's Day. 22 00:01:17,145 --> 00:01:19,424 I said, "Get me something with diamonds". 23 00:01:19,425 --> 00:01:21,946 And he got me a deck of fuckin' cards! 24 00:01:24,746 --> 00:01:26,824 Hello, Mrs Brown. Hello, Winnie. 25 00:01:26,825 --> 00:01:28,944 Hello, Betty. To what do we owe the honour? 26 00:01:28,945 --> 00:01:33,184 Just a quick visit. I thought so, that's why you didn't wash your hair. 27 00:01:33,185 --> 00:01:37,104 Cathy was trying to get a book for me. Is she about? She's inside. 28 00:01:37,105 --> 00:01:40,424 Any word from the Australian embassy about their emigration? 29 00:01:40,425 --> 00:01:42,544 No, apparently it takes a while. 30 00:01:42,545 --> 00:01:46,066 Course it does. Sure it's on the other side of the world. 31 00:01:50,626 --> 00:01:53,346 Winnie, are you not a bit old for this Valentine malarkey? 32 00:01:53,347 --> 00:01:56,225 You're never too old for romance, Agnes. 33 00:01:56,226 --> 00:01:58,465 I get the card every year. 34 00:01:58,466 --> 00:02:01,506 And on the night, I wear kinky underwear. 35 00:02:05,746 --> 00:02:08,106 Well, that's me off me fuckin' dinner! 36 00:02:08,107 --> 00:02:09,585 Which reminds me, 37 00:02:09,684 --> 00:02:12,924 I must get that underwear back from me cousin. 38 00:02:14,961 --> 00:02:16,841 Your cousin's a priest! 39 00:02:18,521 --> 00:02:20,001 Don't get me started! 40 00:02:22,201 --> 00:02:24,320 Who was that? Winnie. 41 00:02:24,321 --> 00:02:27,673 She's gone down the shops to get a Valentine before Sharon buys them all up. 42 00:02:27,674 --> 00:02:29,354 I'll get you a cup of tea, love. 43 00:02:29,355 --> 00:02:32,033 Oh, Jesus! You a bit stiff? 44 00:02:32,034 --> 00:02:34,352 I'm a bit old. Missed the gym again? 45 00:02:34,607 --> 00:02:36,328 Yes, that's ten years in a row. 46 00:02:38,408 --> 00:02:41,767 What's the book, Betty? It's The ABC Of Sex. 47 00:02:41,768 --> 00:02:42,848 A, B AND C? 48 00:02:44,128 --> 00:02:46,367 Three positions? 49 00:02:46,368 --> 00:02:49,086 Bono's getting to the age where he's starting to ask questions, 50 00:02:49,087 --> 00:02:50,526 so I want to be ready. 51 00:02:50,527 --> 00:02:52,806 There was no book to tell me what to do in my day. 52 00:02:52,807 --> 00:02:54,648 Well, it's all changed since your day. 53 00:02:54,649 --> 00:02:56,087 Yes, it has, Mammy. 54 00:02:56,088 --> 00:02:58,246 If you were going on a first date nowadays, 55 00:02:58,247 --> 00:03:00,528 a man would expect you to perform fellatio. 56 00:03:03,888 --> 00:03:05,688 Me? Sing opera? 57 00:03:10,208 --> 00:03:13,048 He'd have a better chance of getting a blowjob! 58 00:03:15,608 --> 00:03:16,847 Right, I'm off. 59 00:03:16,848 --> 00:03:19,608 I'll drop this book back to you at the weekend, Cathy. 60 00:03:19,609 --> 00:03:21,168 No problem. 61 00:03:24,928 --> 00:03:28,647 Mammy, have you thought about losing a few pounds? 62 00:03:28,648 --> 00:03:30,688 You are... plumping up a bit. 63 00:03:33,128 --> 00:03:36,566 You should enter that competition in the newspaper. What's it called? 64 00:03:36,567 --> 00:03:39,926 Oh, the mind your own fuckin' business competition! 65 00:03:39,927 --> 00:03:41,648 I think you'd do very well in that. 66 00:03:41,649 --> 00:03:45,007 All I'm saying is fat is not good for ya. 67 00:03:45,008 --> 00:03:47,087 This is not fat, Cathy. 68 00:03:47,088 --> 00:03:50,448 This is from all the years of carrying this family on my back. 69 00:03:50,449 --> 00:03:52,767 This is mother's muscle. 70 00:03:52,768 --> 00:03:54,807 Oh, I see. Yes. 71 00:03:54,808 --> 00:03:58,086 Oh, when I married your father, the two of us were as skinny as sticks. 72 00:03:58,087 --> 00:04:00,768 It was a wonder we didn't start a fire when we went at it. 73 00:04:04,808 --> 00:04:06,127 TMI. 74 00:04:06,128 --> 00:04:08,527 Teemy what? Too much information. 75 00:04:08,528 --> 00:04:10,088 KYBCTY. 76 00:04:11,928 --> 00:04:13,327 No, don't get it. 77 00:04:13,328 --> 00:04:15,128 Keep your buckin' comments to yourself! 78 00:04:17,728 --> 00:04:19,926 You never wear that lavender dress any more 79 00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:22,008 and it used to be your favourite. 80 00:04:22,009 --> 00:04:24,167 Lavender... I don't remember. 81 00:04:24,168 --> 00:04:26,446 Yes, you do. It's up in your wardrobe 82 00:04:26,447 --> 00:04:29,006 and you don't wear it cos it doesn't fit ya any more. 83 00:04:29,007 --> 00:04:32,286 It shrunk in the wash. No, it didn't! It did, too! 84 00:04:32,287 --> 00:04:36,126 All I'll say is, take that dress out and take a good look at it 85 00:04:36,127 --> 00:04:38,768 and remember how good you used to look in it. 86 00:04:38,769 --> 00:04:40,967 I'll see ya later. 87 00:04:40,968 --> 00:04:44,568 You mightn't recognise me, after I've finished me exercises. 88 00:04:45,848 --> 00:04:47,688 Really? Yes. 89 00:04:58,008 --> 00:04:59,488 That's enough of that! 90 00:05:04,648 --> 00:05:06,488 Tried on that lavender dress today. 91 00:05:06,489 --> 00:05:09,247 And? I got the zip halfway up. 92 00:05:09,248 --> 00:05:11,528 It was like a straight jacket on me. 93 00:05:11,529 --> 00:05:13,248 I was right, it shrunk. 94 00:05:15,088 --> 00:05:17,087 It didn't shrink. 95 00:05:17,088 --> 00:05:20,848 Look, all you have to do is even take a walk every day. 96 00:05:20,849 --> 00:05:22,487 Say, two miles. 97 00:05:22,488 --> 00:05:24,567 Two feckin' miles?! 98 00:05:24,568 --> 00:05:26,687 Yes! You can do it. 99 00:05:26,688 --> 00:05:30,848 Just walk two miles every day and in a month I bet you'll be in... 100 00:05:30,849 --> 00:05:32,288 Kildare. 101 00:05:33,808 --> 00:05:34,848 Great shape. 102 00:05:35,968 --> 00:05:37,607 Thanks, Sharon. 103 00:05:37,608 --> 00:05:39,846 Sharon, I believe you've no date for Valentine's. 104 00:05:39,847 --> 00:05:41,446 Nah, but I'll be all right. 105 00:05:41,447 --> 00:05:43,248 That's the girl, be confident! 106 00:05:43,249 --> 00:05:45,327 I am. Watch this... 107 00:05:45,328 --> 00:05:47,087 Heyare! 108 00:05:47,088 --> 00:05:49,486 Whoever can guess what's in this bag can have sex with me 109 00:05:49,487 --> 00:05:50,688 on Valentine's night. 110 00:05:50,689 --> 00:05:52,328 A giraffe! 111 00:05:53,488 --> 00:05:54,968 Close enough. 112 00:05:59,808 --> 00:06:00,967 Hello, Winnie. 113 00:06:00,968 --> 00:06:03,728 You just missed Sharon getting a date for Valentine's night. 114 00:06:03,729 --> 00:06:05,887 Oh, I'm glad. Who is it? 115 00:06:05,888 --> 00:06:08,446 That skinny little fellow over there. Oh, right. 116 00:06:08,447 --> 00:06:11,968 You'd better tie a plank across his arse or we'll never see him again. 117 00:06:11,969 --> 00:06:13,328 Mammy! Sorry. 118 00:06:14,928 --> 00:06:19,166 Here, Winnie, the jackpot at the bingo's going to be 2,000 euro on the 14th. 119 00:06:19,167 --> 00:06:22,126 We'll have a good night that night. On the 14th, Agnes? 120 00:06:22,127 --> 00:06:24,128 Yeah. I can't go with ya on the 14th. 121 00:06:24,129 --> 00:06:27,807 That's Valentine's night and Jacko's taking me out. 122 00:06:27,808 --> 00:06:28,967 Excuse me. 123 00:06:28,968 --> 00:06:31,126 You'll have to go on your own, pet. 124 00:06:31,127 --> 00:06:33,568 Jacko's taking me into town for tea and biscuits. 125 00:06:33,569 --> 00:06:35,727 For feck's sake! 126 00:06:35,728 --> 00:06:37,967 I'm so looking forward to it. 127 00:06:37,968 --> 00:06:39,808 I've never given blood before. 128 00:06:47,888 --> 00:06:50,486 Just as well it's not a four-course meal. 129 00:06:50,487 --> 00:06:53,008 Might have cost you a fuckin' kidney. 130 00:06:55,928 --> 00:06:59,768 Valentine's Day, it's making me laugh. Even Grandad has a date. 131 00:06:59,769 --> 00:07:03,287 That's it, Mammy. That's the goal you need. 132 00:07:03,288 --> 00:07:06,287 I need a goal? Now who am I, David Beckham? 133 00:07:06,288 --> 00:07:08,966 You should have a date for Valentine's night. 134 00:07:08,967 --> 00:07:12,606 And your goal would be to fit into that lavender dress by then. 135 00:07:12,607 --> 00:07:14,286 That's a great idea, Cathy. 136 00:07:14,287 --> 00:07:18,128 It's all right for you, Winnie, you have man. Even if he's in and out of hospital all the time. 137 00:07:18,129 --> 00:07:20,847 Where would I get a feckin' date? 138 00:07:20,848 --> 00:07:22,207 Off the internet. 139 00:07:22,208 --> 00:07:25,608 Jesus, no, Cathy. With my luck I'd end up with a buckin' virus. 140 00:07:31,328 --> 00:07:33,406 My cousin got a thing off the internet 141 00:07:33,407 --> 00:07:35,046 and the legs were all bandy. 142 00:07:35,047 --> 00:07:37,488 She got a date with someone with bandy legs? 143 00:07:37,489 --> 00:07:40,008 No, it was a coffee table! 144 00:07:41,928 --> 00:07:43,486 I'll arrange it and all. 145 00:07:43,487 --> 00:07:46,206 I'll just put your photo on the net and we'll see what happens. 146 00:07:46,207 --> 00:07:49,246 If you get any offers, you can pick the one you want to go out with. 147 00:07:49,247 --> 00:07:51,928 You might get a man like Jacko off the internet! 148 00:07:53,448 --> 00:07:56,648 You wouldn't get a man like Jacko with a fuckin' fishing net. 149 00:07:59,688 --> 00:08:02,728 I think it's a great idea - Mrs Brown going on a date. 150 00:08:02,729 --> 00:08:04,607 Well, I don't. 151 00:08:04,608 --> 00:08:06,808 We're talking about our mammy here. 152 00:08:06,809 --> 00:08:08,647 Mammy... on a date? 153 00:08:08,648 --> 00:08:11,527 No way, Cathy, Mammy can't go on a date. 154 00:08:11,528 --> 00:08:13,928 It's... not normal. 155 00:08:18,488 --> 00:08:21,808 You could do with clipping your shaft. 156 00:08:26,768 --> 00:08:29,006 Oh, Winnie, I see you've found Betty's book. 157 00:08:29,007 --> 00:08:31,768 It's amazing what you can do with a bicycle pump and a Kit Kat. 158 00:08:33,408 --> 00:08:36,648 There's a man in here holding a woman like a wheelbarrow. 159 00:08:38,368 --> 00:08:39,886 Go on a couple of pages, 160 00:08:39,887 --> 00:08:42,968 there's a woman holding a man like a one-armed bandit! 161 00:08:44,928 --> 00:08:47,448 And she's going for the buckin' jackpot! 162 00:08:52,808 --> 00:08:56,328 Can you imagine me doing that feckin wheelbarrow thing with Redser? 163 00:08:58,808 --> 00:09:02,328 "Slow down, slow down! Take a left at the next lights!" 164 00:09:03,688 --> 00:09:07,247 "Oh, Jesus, don't go past me mother's!" 165 00:09:07,248 --> 00:09:10,487 It's just not right. And why not? 166 00:09:10,488 --> 00:09:12,927 Because... she can't! 167 00:09:12,928 --> 00:09:15,207 Mammies don't go on dates. 168 00:09:15,208 --> 00:09:18,287 They... They play bingo. 169 00:09:18,288 --> 00:09:20,447 Well, excuse me, Dermot, 170 00:09:20,448 --> 00:09:24,246 but Mammy is a person and a woman and a woman has needs. 171 00:09:24,247 --> 00:09:26,566 Well, excuse me, the whole lot of you. 172 00:09:26,567 --> 00:09:28,928 Now, Cathy, I haven't decided one way or the other yet, 173 00:09:28,929 --> 00:09:31,047 so there's nothing definite. 174 00:09:31,048 --> 00:09:33,806 And you, son, if I do decide to go on a date, 175 00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:35,928 I wont be waiting on your permission. 176 00:09:37,168 --> 00:09:39,207 Even Grandad has a date. 177 00:09:39,208 --> 00:09:41,888 That's Mammy's fault. She's given him Viagra. 178 00:09:44,168 --> 00:09:46,326 You're giving Grandad Viagra, Mammy? 179 00:09:46,327 --> 00:09:48,006 Yes. Why would you do that? 180 00:09:48,007 --> 00:09:51,088 Buster said it would stop him pissing on his slippers. 181 00:09:54,888 --> 00:09:57,447 Did it work? Kind of. 182 00:09:57,448 --> 00:09:59,088 His slippers are dry. 183 00:10:00,768 --> 00:10:03,648 He's pissing on the buckin' ceiling now! 184 00:10:51,008 --> 00:10:54,806 Grandad, what did I say about these tablets? And I meant it! 185 00:10:54,807 --> 00:10:56,048 Cut down on these now. 186 00:10:57,488 --> 00:11:01,928 I went in to call you in your room this morning, your bed was like a fuckin' tent! 187 00:11:04,008 --> 00:11:05,847 I mean it! Cut down! 188 00:11:05,848 --> 00:11:08,248 Or I'm make you mop that ceiling yourself. 189 00:11:12,608 --> 00:11:14,088 Wait a minute. 190 00:11:15,568 --> 00:11:18,886 I could have a go at this computer thing myself. 191 00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:21,728 I'm sure I could do just as good as Cathy on the dating. 192 00:11:25,648 --> 00:11:26,968 Power on. 193 00:11:31,528 --> 00:11:34,728 "Press any key to continue." 194 00:11:38,648 --> 00:11:40,168 Any key... 195 00:11:42,568 --> 00:11:45,448 There's no fuckin' "any key" on it. 196 00:11:49,048 --> 00:11:51,048 Try that one. 197 00:11:53,608 --> 00:11:56,327 Search. Yes, please. 198 00:11:56,328 --> 00:11:58,608 Search... What... Search for what? 199 00:12:01,528 --> 00:12:02,568 "Woman... 200 00:12:03,928 --> 00:12:04,968 "..needs... 201 00:12:06,328 --> 00:12:07,528 "..man." 202 00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:11,728 Oh, no... that's fuckin' Wogan! 203 00:12:14,208 --> 00:12:16,167 No. 204 00:12:16,168 --> 00:12:18,727 "Wo-man... 205 00:12:18,728 --> 00:12:21,087 "needs... 206 00:12:21,088 --> 00:12:23,167 "man." 207 00:12:23,168 --> 00:12:24,288 Search. 208 00:12:35,008 --> 00:12:37,448 Ya dirty bastards! 209 00:12:45,088 --> 00:12:46,368 "Lady..." 210 00:12:47,528 --> 00:12:49,528 "Lady... 211 00:12:50,848 --> 00:12:56,768 "..looking for love." 212 00:12:59,168 --> 00:13:00,528 Search. 213 00:13:04,248 --> 00:13:05,528 Jackpot! 214 00:13:06,688 --> 00:13:09,367 Jesus, they're gorgeous! 215 00:13:09,368 --> 00:13:11,648 Now, you see, I'd go out with any of them. 216 00:13:12,888 --> 00:13:14,927 Now what's the name of that? 217 00:13:14,928 --> 00:13:18,007 Hiya, Grandad. Cathy, is that you? 218 00:13:18,008 --> 00:13:22,528 Yes, Mammy. Come into the kitchen, quick. I think I hit the jackpot! 219 00:13:22,529 --> 00:13:25,128 I got on your top top tap top... 220 00:13:26,768 --> 00:13:28,008 I got on the Google... 221 00:13:29,448 --> 00:13:31,607 and I Googled... 222 00:13:31,608 --> 00:13:34,127 and I think I found a perfect site! 223 00:13:34,128 --> 00:13:37,568 Oh, there's loads of gorgeous men on there, Cathy. I'd go out with any of them. 224 00:13:37,569 --> 00:13:41,687 Oh, fantastic. Right, what's it called? 225 00:13:41,688 --> 00:13:44,408 It's called Dial a Dick. 226 00:13:53,368 --> 00:13:55,607 Mammy... 227 00:13:55,608 --> 00:13:58,327 they're gigolos! 228 00:13:58,328 --> 00:14:01,128 What? There's nothing wrong with Spanish men! 229 00:14:03,528 --> 00:14:07,328 You pay these men and they come out and have sex with you. 230 00:14:10,008 --> 00:14:12,167 That's disgusting! 231 00:14:12,168 --> 00:14:14,087 Jesus... that's immoral. 232 00:14:14,088 --> 00:14:16,046 It's wrong, it's just complet... 233 00:14:16,047 --> 00:14:18,288 Oh, my God, I'm going to be sick! 234 00:14:19,808 --> 00:14:21,688 How much do you pay them? 235 00:14:28,208 --> 00:14:31,288 Here, Agnes, how come you never got another man? I don't know. 236 00:14:31,289 --> 00:14:36,247 I know, you got married for better or for worse. Yeah, that's it yeah. 237 00:14:36,248 --> 00:14:39,488 He couldn't do any better and I could do any fuckin' worse. 238 00:14:40,968 --> 00:14:43,566 Hello, ladies. Is Cathy or Maria here? 239 00:14:43,567 --> 00:14:46,926 They're up at the bar talking to Sharon. Oh, I see them. How's Bono, love? 240 00:14:46,927 --> 00:14:50,406 Don't talk to me, Mrs Brown. He has me heart broken. 241 00:14:50,407 --> 00:14:53,726 The sex education this week, he's asking me question after question. 242 00:14:53,727 --> 00:14:55,566 I don't know what to be telling him. 243 00:14:55,567 --> 00:14:57,968 Tell him the truth - he was found under a heavy cabbage! 244 00:15:01,048 --> 00:15:03,726 You see, Buster, love is a strange thing. 245 00:15:03,727 --> 00:15:06,326 You have to be careful. I know what you mean. 246 00:15:06,327 --> 00:15:07,966 Sometimes you need to use two bags 247 00:15:07,967 --> 00:15:09,928 in case the one off of her head falls off. 248 00:15:14,248 --> 00:15:17,326 I mean you have to be careful about where you place your love. 249 00:15:17,327 --> 00:15:19,768 Oh, I know where to place it, all right! 250 00:15:21,448 --> 00:15:22,727 I have one rule. 251 00:15:22,728 --> 00:15:25,246 Never date a good-looking girl, in case she leaves ya. 252 00:15:25,247 --> 00:15:27,246 But an ugly girl could leave you, too. 253 00:15:27,247 --> 00:15:28,488 I know, but who cares? 254 00:15:30,088 --> 00:15:31,687 I'm going to the gents. 255 00:15:31,688 --> 00:15:34,087 Me too. 256 00:15:34,088 --> 00:15:36,767 All right, love? Yeah. 257 00:15:36,768 --> 00:15:40,088 All right, Cathy? You fancy going for a drink sometime? 258 00:15:40,089 --> 00:15:43,607 I'd rather stick cocktail sticks in me eyes. 259 00:15:43,608 --> 00:15:45,368 I'll take that as a maybe. 260 00:15:48,648 --> 00:15:50,648 Any luck on the internet, Agnes? 261 00:15:50,649 --> 00:15:53,127 Cathy narrowed it down to three. 262 00:15:53,128 --> 00:15:57,447 Indigo55, Rayband61... 263 00:15:57,448 --> 00:16:00,488 but the one she picked is HairyHarry66. 264 00:16:01,528 --> 00:16:05,286 He's coming over to our house on Valentine's night for dinner. 265 00:16:05,287 --> 00:16:07,288 Well, Hairy Harry sounds interesting. 266 00:16:07,289 --> 00:16:09,927 Hairy Harry sounds fuckin' hairy! 267 00:16:09,928 --> 00:16:12,607 Is there nobody called Paddy any more? 268 00:16:12,608 --> 00:16:15,888 You know, you should skip the internet and go for somebody local. 269 00:16:15,889 --> 00:16:18,967 Like who? What about Jimmy McGinty? 270 00:16:18,968 --> 00:16:20,567 Would ya feck off! 271 00:16:20,568 --> 00:16:22,287 I wouldn't be his type. 272 00:16:22,288 --> 00:16:23,808 What type would that be? 273 00:16:23,809 --> 00:16:24,928 Inflatable. 274 00:16:28,568 --> 00:16:31,807 Jesus, these knickers are killing me. 275 00:16:31,808 --> 00:16:34,048 I can't wait to take them off. 276 00:16:36,168 --> 00:16:40,248 Well, if you're lucky, you might get someone to take them off for you... 277 00:16:40,249 --> 00:16:41,688 with their teeth! 278 00:16:43,288 --> 00:16:46,408 Well, you two are all right, going home to a man in your bed. 279 00:16:46,409 --> 00:16:47,487 Yeah. 280 00:16:47,488 --> 00:16:48,927 Well, excuse me! 281 00:16:48,928 --> 00:16:52,128 It's different when you're married. Isn't it, Betty? 282 00:16:52,129 --> 00:16:53,967 Yeah. Very. 283 00:16:53,968 --> 00:16:58,487 Dermot used to be so romantic, but not now. 284 00:16:58,488 --> 00:17:01,647 When will men learn that sex is not romance? 285 00:17:01,648 --> 00:17:06,568 Oh, that note, let's drink up and go. Tonight is our night. 286 00:17:13,248 --> 00:17:15,367 Did you hear that, Buster? 287 00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:18,288 Not much after she said take them off with me teeth. 288 00:17:21,608 --> 00:17:24,648 What about Mikey Nolan for a date? I mean, he's a bit of fun. 289 00:17:24,649 --> 00:17:27,047 Mikey Nolan is feckin' mad! 290 00:17:27,048 --> 00:17:29,246 Do you remember the community dance? 291 00:17:29,247 --> 00:17:31,646 And he thought it would be great fun to strip off naked 292 00:17:31,647 --> 00:17:33,808 and run around the room when he's nude... 293 00:17:33,809 --> 00:17:37,047 with his willy wacking off everything. 294 00:17:37,048 --> 00:17:39,847 Ugliest willy I've ever seen. 295 00:17:39,848 --> 00:17:42,328 Looked like a blind carpenter's thumb. 296 00:17:44,128 --> 00:17:46,847 He had the thing cut off, didn't he? 297 00:17:46,848 --> 00:17:48,247 What? 298 00:17:48,248 --> 00:17:52,168 What'cha call that useless bit of skin at the end of a willy? 299 00:17:52,169 --> 00:17:53,648 A man. 300 00:18:01,368 --> 00:18:02,808 The other end. 301 00:18:04,048 --> 00:18:06,047 Foreskin! 302 00:18:06,048 --> 00:18:07,808 He had a circumvision. 303 00:18:10,128 --> 00:18:13,646 There was a chap who lived in our road who used to help the rabbi with that. Hm?! 304 00:18:13,647 --> 00:18:16,248 Yes, he used to collect all the little bits of skin. 305 00:18:16,249 --> 00:18:19,407 He used to make things out of them. 306 00:18:19,408 --> 00:18:21,887 Made my father a lovely wallet. 307 00:18:21,888 --> 00:18:23,167 It was gorgeous. 308 00:18:23,168 --> 00:18:26,048 If you rubbed it, it turned into a fuckin' suitcase! 309 00:18:28,728 --> 00:18:32,727 Maria's right. I do take her for granted. 310 00:18:32,728 --> 00:18:34,286 I need to do something. 311 00:18:34,287 --> 00:18:36,288 A grand gesture, something big. 312 00:18:37,368 --> 00:18:38,528 A bus. 313 00:18:40,768 --> 00:18:41,967 What? 314 00:18:41,968 --> 00:18:44,566 I have a friend. He works down the bus station. 315 00:18:44,567 --> 00:18:46,846 He sells the ads on the sides of them. 316 00:18:46,847 --> 00:18:50,046 If you want, I can have a chat with him. He could do us a freebie. 317 00:18:50,047 --> 00:18:53,286 How big an ad? As big as you want. I can get you the whole bus if you want. 318 00:18:53,287 --> 00:18:56,328 Brilliant, I'll do it for Valentine's. Tell him to write... 319 00:18:56,329 --> 00:18:57,888 Hang on, Dermo. 320 00:19:00,968 --> 00:19:02,527 Right, go ahead. 321 00:19:02,528 --> 00:19:06,568 Maria Brown is the most wonderful wife and mother in the world 322 00:19:06,569 --> 00:19:08,488 and I love her. 323 00:19:09,728 --> 00:19:10,968 How'd you spell that? 324 00:19:12,208 --> 00:19:13,327 Which word? 325 00:19:13,328 --> 00:19:14,568 All of it. 326 00:19:29,368 --> 00:19:30,968 You won't find them in there. 327 00:19:32,528 --> 00:19:35,688 I know exactly what you're looking for. 328 00:19:37,968 --> 00:19:41,687 Now, I'm going to give you jump up Johnny tonight. 329 00:19:41,688 --> 00:19:46,208 Because tonight, I want you to go out and I don't care if you never feckin' come back! 330 00:19:47,688 --> 00:19:50,208 Come on, fetch! 331 00:19:52,608 --> 00:19:54,128 Give Smelly Nelly me best. 332 00:20:02,448 --> 00:20:05,486 Winnie. Howya, Agnes? What are you doing over here? 333 00:20:05,487 --> 00:20:09,328 Just came over to wish you luck and tell ya, give him a good seeing to! 334 00:20:10,808 --> 00:20:14,728 Winnie, you know the ABC book? Yeah. Do you remember the wheelbarrow thing? 335 00:20:14,729 --> 00:20:17,407 Oh, yeah! What did it look like? 336 00:20:17,408 --> 00:20:21,726 Oh, right. Well, he's here and you're there, or is it the other... 337 00:20:21,727 --> 00:20:24,326 Tell ya what, Agnes. Lie down there and I'll show you. 338 00:20:24,327 --> 00:20:28,248 No, no, no. Agnes, it'll only take a few minutes. It's not that feckin' important. Come on! 339 00:20:47,768 --> 00:20:49,488 Winnie, slow down, for fuck's sake! 340 00:20:49,489 --> 00:20:50,528 Mammy! 341 00:20:54,408 --> 00:20:56,607 What are you doing? 342 00:20:56,608 --> 00:21:00,768 Agnes, if you do that twice a day for a week you'll lose five pounds. 343 00:21:00,769 --> 00:21:01,808 See ya later. 344 00:21:04,408 --> 00:21:09,687 Thanks, Winnie! It was a thing that Winnie saw on WeightWatchers. 345 00:21:09,688 --> 00:21:11,806 Was it, now? Do you want a cup of tea? 346 00:21:11,807 --> 00:21:13,966 No, Mammy, I'm heading over to Betty's. 347 00:21:13,967 --> 00:21:16,608 Mark has to work late, so she has no date, either. 348 00:21:16,609 --> 00:21:17,727 OK. 349 00:21:17,728 --> 00:21:20,288 Give you a chance to have the house to yourself for the night. 350 00:21:20,289 --> 00:21:21,767 Yes. 351 00:21:21,768 --> 00:21:25,048 This is the first Valentine I remember that you don't have a date. 352 00:21:25,049 --> 00:21:27,007 I was thinking that earlier. 353 00:21:27,008 --> 00:21:28,087 You all right? 354 00:21:28,088 --> 00:21:30,087 I'm fine, Mammy. 355 00:21:30,088 --> 00:21:33,208 YOU'RE the one with the date. Are YOU all right? 356 00:21:33,209 --> 00:21:35,327 I'm nervous, but I'm excited. 357 00:21:35,328 --> 00:21:37,847 Cathy, you know the thong thing? 358 00:21:37,848 --> 00:21:38,887 Yeah. 359 00:21:38,888 --> 00:21:42,168 You know the skinny bit, does that go to the front or the back? 360 00:21:42,169 --> 00:21:43,847 The back! 361 00:21:43,848 --> 00:21:46,167 I fuckin' knew it! 362 00:21:46,168 --> 00:21:49,048 I'm flossing the ying yang off meself. 363 00:21:57,328 --> 00:21:59,208 Cathy, what if he doesn't turn up? 364 00:21:59,209 --> 00:22:02,367 Ah, Mammy, he will. He sounded keen. 365 00:22:02,368 --> 00:22:06,008 He did, didn't he? And I've been practicing me opera. 366 00:22:06,009 --> 00:22:08,167 ♪ Na-hiiiigh, ho-ho! 367 00:22:08,168 --> 00:22:09,727 ♪ Liii-ckim! 368 00:22:09,728 --> 00:22:11,488 ♪ Naaaay! ♪ 369 00:22:13,928 --> 00:22:16,328 That's as far as I get, then I get dizzy. 370 00:22:18,008 --> 00:22:20,447 Mammy, fellatio is... 371 00:22:20,448 --> 00:22:21,648 Hard to fuckin' sing! 372 00:22:22,968 --> 00:22:25,887 Forget it, Mammy. Have a good night. 373 00:22:25,888 --> 00:22:27,248 Good night, love. 374 00:22:35,528 --> 00:22:37,367 How do you do? 375 00:22:37,368 --> 00:22:38,728 How do you DO? 376 00:22:42,328 --> 00:22:44,248 How do you DO? 377 00:22:45,368 --> 00:22:47,208 Hello there. 378 00:22:49,088 --> 00:22:51,168 How do you do? 379 00:22:53,408 --> 00:22:55,688 Frighten the shite out of him! 380 00:22:57,888 --> 00:23:03,407 Oh, do sit down, please, do sit down. Make yourself comfortable. 381 00:23:03,408 --> 00:23:05,208 Oh, don't show me that! 382 00:23:07,328 --> 00:23:09,128 I am a virgin! 383 00:23:18,128 --> 00:23:22,408 Oh, there's a candle to say I love you. 384 00:23:26,728 --> 00:23:30,328 And that's a candle to say keep your fuckin' hands to yourself. 385 00:23:40,048 --> 00:23:41,328 Hello? 386 00:23:42,688 --> 00:23:45,887 Yeah, Harry... hello. 387 00:23:45,888 --> 00:23:47,368 Are ya lost? 388 00:23:49,648 --> 00:23:50,728 Yes. 389 00:23:53,808 --> 00:23:54,848 I see. 390 00:23:56,128 --> 00:23:58,567 No, no, no. 391 00:23:58,568 --> 00:24:01,048 Well, keep in touch. 392 00:24:03,088 --> 00:24:04,847 Oh, lovely. 393 00:24:04,848 --> 00:24:06,648 He's not feckin' coming! 394 00:24:08,528 --> 00:24:10,807 Ooh, hoo-hoo! 395 00:24:10,808 --> 00:24:12,808 Hee-hee. 396 00:24:27,168 --> 00:24:28,847 Shh, Betty! 397 00:24:28,848 --> 00:24:31,648 Knock, Cathy, don't just barge in. 398 00:24:32,808 --> 00:24:33,968 It's open. 399 00:24:38,088 --> 00:24:40,967 Oh, God, I don't think he turned up! 400 00:24:40,968 --> 00:24:44,366 Hello, girls. Hiya, Mammy. What are you two doing here? 401 00:24:44,367 --> 00:24:46,326 We were just heading down for a drink. 402 00:24:46,327 --> 00:24:48,488 We thought we'd drop in on the way to meet Harry. 403 00:24:48,489 --> 00:24:51,447 Well, tough luck. He didn't come, did he? 404 00:24:51,448 --> 00:24:53,088 He didn't even arrive, love. 405 00:24:58,448 --> 00:24:59,926 Jesus, is this an invasion? 406 00:24:59,927 --> 00:25:02,728 What are you doing here and who are them feckin' flowers for? 407 00:25:02,729 --> 00:25:03,768 You. 408 00:25:05,328 --> 00:25:08,608 I didn't tell ya, but my son didn't know it when he had a good thing. 409 00:25:10,088 --> 00:25:11,728 Happy Valentine's Day. 410 00:25:16,488 --> 00:25:18,527 They're beautiful. 411 00:25:18,528 --> 00:25:20,408 I haven't had Valentine's flowers... 412 00:25:20,409 --> 00:25:21,728 ever. 413 00:25:23,168 --> 00:25:25,248 "Property of St Francis Cemetery." 414 00:25:26,848 --> 00:25:28,248 Ya bastard! 415 00:25:29,848 --> 00:25:32,168 You're just looking for another tablet. 416 00:25:32,169 --> 00:25:34,127 Here, off with ya. 417 00:25:34,128 --> 00:25:36,926 And the next time you're in a graveyard, Grandad, hold on there. 418 00:25:36,927 --> 00:25:38,408 Save us all the fuckin' walk. 419 00:25:40,368 --> 00:25:42,728 Who's the lucky girl? Molly or Nelly? 420 00:25:42,729 --> 00:25:43,888 Both! 421 00:25:45,568 --> 00:25:47,368 We're having a threesome! 422 00:25:51,048 --> 00:25:53,407 What are yous doing here? 423 00:25:53,408 --> 00:25:56,128 I had to tell ya what Dermot did for me for Valentine's. 424 00:25:56,129 --> 00:25:58,128 What? A bus. 425 00:25:59,848 --> 00:26:01,407 A whole bus. 426 00:26:01,408 --> 00:26:05,247 And it reads, "Maria Brown is the most wonderful wif 427 00:26:05,248 --> 00:26:06,688 "and mother in the world..." 428 00:26:08,608 --> 00:26:10,128 Wif? What's a fuckin' wif? 429 00:26:12,128 --> 00:26:16,607 It doesn't matter. "..and I love her." 430 00:26:16,608 --> 00:26:19,408 Now that's what I call romance. Well done, Dermot. 431 00:26:20,968 --> 00:26:23,448 What are you doing here? It's in the script. 432 00:26:25,888 --> 00:26:28,606 Well, there's one you can tell your children when you grow up. 433 00:26:28,607 --> 00:26:31,848 "There was a time when I was a fuckin' typing error." 434 00:26:36,328 --> 00:26:38,247 Oh, not you two, as well! 435 00:26:38,248 --> 00:26:39,727 Howya, Mammy? 436 00:26:39,728 --> 00:26:41,648 Oh, my God! Did you see the bus? 437 00:26:41,649 --> 00:26:44,407 Isn't it fab? "I love Maria Brown." 438 00:26:44,408 --> 00:26:45,808 Not that, the other one. 439 00:26:45,809 --> 00:26:47,167 What other one? 440 00:26:47,168 --> 00:26:50,607 Well, it said "Cathy Brown is beautiful 441 00:26:50,608 --> 00:26:52,968 "and she doesn't need her tits blown up!" 442 00:26:55,768 --> 00:26:58,528 Who in the name of God wrote that? 443 00:27:07,048 --> 00:27:09,367 It's hot in here, isn't it? 444 00:27:09,368 --> 00:27:13,168 Not as hot as it's going to be when I set fire to your eyebrows. 445 00:27:15,328 --> 00:27:18,207 Look, I'm delighted to see all of you 446 00:27:18,208 --> 00:27:21,526 and I know you're disappointed that my date didn't turn up. 447 00:27:21,527 --> 00:27:23,566 But it's still Valentine's night. 448 00:27:23,567 --> 00:27:26,248 So, go on, all of you, go out and have a good time. 449 00:27:28,648 --> 00:27:29,928 Hold on, Buster. 450 00:27:33,408 --> 00:27:35,488 Maybe I will go for that drink with ya after all. 451 00:27:36,928 --> 00:27:38,768 Mammy, will you be all right? 452 00:27:38,769 --> 00:27:41,087 I'll be fine. Go on, off with ya. 453 00:27:41,088 --> 00:27:43,568 C'mon, you! Cathy, can I hold your hand? 454 00:27:43,569 --> 00:27:45,048 No! 455 00:27:46,448 --> 00:27:48,328 Baby steps, Buster, baby steps. 456 00:27:51,088 --> 00:27:54,128 Good night. Enjoy yourselves. 457 00:27:58,208 --> 00:28:01,728 I love to see young people going out and enjoying themselves. 458 00:28:16,168 --> 00:28:18,128 Get up them stairs. 459 00:28:19,408 --> 00:28:20,528 Good night!